minor child refuses to give me the password for an online account

[TeenParent]

I have a minor child who refuses to give me the password for an online account (I insist on being able to monitor my children's internet use). My minor child has used this account to make plans with friends and sneak out in the recent past. I attempted to go directly to the online social site to get her user information in order to gain access; however, they reported to me that they cannot divulge the information since she is at least 13 years of age. If I have a responsibility to keep my children safe until they are 18, how can this be so? How can they keep information from me as the parent of a minor?

[goddessoflubboc]

re: minor child refuses to give me the password for an online account

Why do you not simply refuse her access to the Internet? You are the parent, take away the computer, iPad, iPod, phone, whatever she's using until she complies with your rules.

[Lexus]

Re: minor child refuses to give me the password for an online account

Web sites have no obligation towards users parents. They are only concerned about the users. You have the option to lock access to the sites which you don’t want in your computer.

[TeenParent]

Re: minor child refuses to give me the password for an online account

goddessoflubboc and Lexus,

Thank you for your response and yes, I can block access and keep her from the computer - and I have done that; however, she can still manage to get online at school and/or with friends - including friends that have phones that can access the internet. Unfortunately, the ONLY way I can envision completely keeping her from access is to keep her locked up in her room and not let her go to school, nor let her see any friends, or even go anywhere at all. It seems that children services might have a problem if I were to do that.

This child that I am specifically talking about does happen to be 17, and I have had many struggles with her. She is determined that she needs to move out now, and has stated she will leave the house everyday whether I let her or not (I have told her she would be reported as a runaway if she does so - and have already had to do that). She has even been arrested for shoplifting, which took place when she was supposed to be at youth group with a friend (it cost me $300 in fines and fees because she is a minor). She has snuck out, run away, etc. etc. etc...there is so much more, but I won't get into it here. She has had privileges taken away, and has been grounded and given extra chores.

My main concern at this point is that I have other children (as young as 13) that are watching her act out in such ways and are learning from her behavior. I do not let my children have cell phones, I do not let them have the run of the house, and I do not let them just run around town and go wherever they want. Unfortunately, many other parents do. I know teens will lie and manipulate to get their way, and they will be sneaky in order to do what they want to do. This is why I like to keep tabs as much as possible.

I do not think it is right that my children can start internet accounts at the age of 13 without parental controls when I am legally responsible for their actions and must do what I can to keep them safe until they reach the age of 18. Perhaps if children have these rights at 13, then they are old enough to be considered legal adults and parents should no longer be held accountable for them after they reach that age? How does it make sense that I cannot have a say so in certain matters (including some medical issues) after they turn 13? I would like to know if there is anything that can be done. Where do I start? If this is actually a law, perhaps something should be changed. How would I go about doing that? Could hiring an attorney help me with getting results with these online sites and force these sites to release the necessary information?.....

How can we effectively be a parent when all of our parenting rights are being taken away?

[goddessoflubboc]

Re: minor child refuses to give me the password for an online account

I don't understand why you insist on pawning off your parental obligations on lawmakers and for profit corporations?

I have 4 children, 30, 29, 17, and 12. I have rules and they follow them or there are consequences. Ms 30 was a bit of a case at 17. She snuck out one night. That never happened again, and I coincidentally had the cleanest baseboards in town. Child protective services does not get involved when you are effectively parenting your child. Ms 30 was on "lockdown" a couple times. In the house directly after school, no phone, no tv, homework, chores and bed.

If you don't take the upper hand from the get go it's over. Your 13 year old is watching and learning. You are going to have your hands full at this rate.

[TeenParent]

Re: minor child refuses to give me the password for an online account

goddessoflubboc,

Thank you, and yes, we have already done all of the above. The closer our 17 year old gets to 18, the worse she gets and she continues to refuse compliance with anything. Please do not feel that we have not done our part - we have, and we are known as strict parents. All I would like to know is what the legalities are - not opinions of how to raise our children. I believe that as long as a child is a minor, then parents should have the right to intervene.

[Friend In Court]

Re: minor child refuses to give me the password for an online account

With your daughter being 17, there is little you can do to control her access to the internet for, as you note, she can get online anyplace other than home. And the internet service providers and site managers are not legally bound to turn over internet records on minors over the age of 13. That's the status of the law. If her online account has email attached, no wonder she does not want to give you access -- any more than one would want to give access to all their personal correspondence -- or diary. Do you feel you have a right to read all her mail?

As you said, the closer she gets to 18, the more she resists your control, self described as "strict" parents. Whatever methods you are using are causing her to rebel, more and more. Counseling is really needed to repair the bonds with your daughter, soon to be an adult. Or else you risk losing not just control, but her affection as well. I know this is not what you want to hear, but your daughter is not just at risk by her actions, but your relationship is at risk as well. Which is more important? Control of your daughter? Or her willingly 'doing the right thing.' In a few short months, she will be able to do what she wants as an adult.

[kenoduff22]

Re: minor child refuses to give me the password for an online account

I faced the same problem before, I had no choice but installed Keystroke Spy Monitor in my 13 years old boy's computer.

[Friend In Court]

Re: minor child refuses to give me the password for an online account

I faced the same problem before, I had no choice but installed Keystroke Spy Monitor in my 13 years old boy's computer.

An excellent idea. As well as Net Nanny and similar programs that can block access to objectionable sites.

Also, one can with firewall software block access to specific net addresses.

Nothing can stop someone from getting online through school, library and friend's computers.

But one can sure slow them down and/or block them at home.

[Unregistered]

Re: minor child refuses to give me the password for an online account

I don't understand why you insist on pawning off your parental obligations on lawmakers and for profit corporations?

I have 4 children, 30, 29, 17, and 12. I have rules and they follow them or there are consequences. Ms 30 was a bit of a case at 17. She snuck out one night. That never happened again, and I coincidentally had the cleanest baseboards in town. Child protective services does not get involved when you are effectively parenting your child. Ms 30 was on "lockdown" a couple times. In the house directly after school, no phone, no tv, homework, chores and bed.

If you don't take the upper hand from the get go it's over. Your 13 year old is watching and learning. You are going to have your hands full at this rate.

You made some very very valid points and appear very wise... however you neglect to note that Ms 30 did not take part in the whirlwind of social media that minors are subjected to today. 13 years ago we were still using rolodex and pinning notes on actual corkboards... I would love to hear about how your 12 year old is fairing. You also neglected to mention your 17 year old's adjustments. Do tell.

[Disagreeable]

Re: minor child refuses to give me the password for an online account

Trust me, I have taken my daughters electronics and internet privileges and still handle my sons issues the same way. It usually lasts until they have cooled off and it sinks in they are on an intellectual island with only parents to talk to and they comply in my house.

You made some very very valid points and appear very wise... however you neglect to note that Ms 30 did not take part in the whirlwind of social media that minors are subjected to today. 13 years ago we were still using rolodex and pinning notes on actual corkboards... I would love to hear about how your 12 year old is fairing. You also neglected to mention your 17 year old's adjustments. Do tell.

[goddessoflubboc]

Re: minor child refuses to give me the password for an online account

You made some very very valid points and appear very wise... however you neglect to note that Ms 30 did not take part in the whirlwind of social media that minors are subjected to today. 13 years ago we were still using rolodex and pinning notes on actual corkboards... I would love to hear about how your 12 year old is fairing. You also neglected to mention your 17 year old's adjustments. Do tell.

Ms30 is now 33, this is quite an old thread. In fact the world of BBS and Internet was blossoming just as my older 2 hit 12 and 13. It was incredibly difficult as I was lost at sea in it. But I got myself educated.

Mr17 (now 20) was diagnosed with Aspergers at age 10. He had a very difficult time in elementary. He ended up spending time learning the computer at school. In 6 months he was the IT king. He's now in college getting his degree in computer science (and he's an RA in the dorms).

My youngest was recently given an iPod, her first electronic communication device. She didn't handle it well so it's in my closet for 6 months. Maybe at 16 she will be ready.

Parenting. It's not for wimps.

[Friend In Court]

Re: minor child refuses to give me the password for an online account

goddessoflubboc and Lexus,

Thank you for your response and yes, I can block access and keep her from the computer - and I have done that; however, she can still manage to get online at school and/or with friends - including friends that have phones that can access the internet. Unfortunately, the ONLY way I can envision completely keeping her from access is to keep her locked up in her room and not let her go to school, nor let her see any friends, or even go anywhere at all. It seems that children services might have a problem if I were to do that.

This child that I am specifically talking about does happen to be 17, and I have had many struggles with her. She is determined that she needs to move out now, and has stated she will leave the house everyday whether I let her or not (I have told her she would be reported as a runaway if she does so - and have already had to do that). She has even been arrested for shoplifting, which took place when she was supposed to be at youth group with a friend (it cost me $300 in fines and fees because she is a minor). She has snuck out, run away, etc. etc. etc...there is so much more, but I won't get into it here. She has had privileges taken away, and has been grounded and given extra chores.

My main concern at this point is that I have other children (as young as 13) that are watching her act out in such ways and are learning from her behavior. I do not let my children have cell phones, I do not let them have the run of the house, and I do not let them just run around town and go wherever they want. Unfortunately, many other parents do. I know teens will lie and manipulate to get their way, and they will be sneaky in order to do what they want to do. This is why I like to keep tabs as much as possible.

I do not think it is right that my children can start internet accounts at the age of 13 without parental controls when I am legally responsible for their actions and must do what I can to keep them safe until they reach the age of 18. Perhaps if children have these rights at 13, then they are old enough to be considered legal adults and parents should no longer be held accountable for them after they reach that age? How does it make sense that I cannot have a say so in certain matters (including some medical issues) after they turn 13? I would like to know if there is anything that can be done. Where do I start? If this is actually a law, perhaps something should be changed. How would I go about doing that? Could hiring an attorney help me with getting results with these online sites and force these sites to release the necessary information?.....

How can we effectively be a parent when all of our parenting rights are being taken away?

You can put "NetNanny" on your home computer(s) with a key logger which captures every stroke, one way to monitor your children's activity. Net Nanny will keep them from accessing certain sites like X rated and the key logger will capture everything they write.

The 17 year old is another issue for she is on the verge of becoming an adult-- and knows it. You have a relationship problem with her as she is asserting her autonomy. In all likelihood she is contacting friends she doesn't want you to know about or the content of her emails. All one can do is let her know the dangers that so many other bright, intelligent girls like her did not see. That you respect her privacy but as a mom are torn between wanting to let her exercise as much independence as possible, yet do not want to see her ending up in a morgue someplace as all too often happens when girls make internet or other contacts that no one but they know about. Predators abound as the newspapers and crime blogs and shows report, regularly. Knowing where she is going and with whom is important to you -- for her safety, not your curiousity. She is at an age where you are better getting her cooperation, letting her come to the conclusion that seeing things your way is best for her -- for all you will get is resistance by laying down restrictive rules. She will continue to rebel.

Internet privacy and parental rights is an ongoing issue with the internet service provider and sites. They do not monitor and even when confronted with a dangerous situation for children are slow to react.

As to hiring a lawyer, you would get the best results by lining up other parents who feel the same way so that it economically feasible for a law firm to take on the giants like Facebook, Twitter, and other social networking sites. It is a tremendous legal job to do so as a class action requiring lawyers who are familiar with that area of law, have a large support staff for the pleadings alone will be in the hundreds before they get through the first phases of litigation.

As a parent who lived through teen years with her brood (thank God, they were all boys), I sympathize and empathize with you. If you get pro active with other parents -- and treat your 17-year old like the adult she isn't yet, step back from laying down rules, you can probably save yourself a lot of anxiety and stress -- and eventually get your cooperation to keep herself safe. And try to get her enrolled in martial arts. Who knows but it may come in handy some day.

[Disagreeable]

Re: minor child refuses to give me the password for an online account

Good idea with the key logger FIC.

[Friend In Court]

Re: minor child refuses to give me the password for an online account

Good idea with the key logger FIC.

It can serve a very legitimate purpose when used by parents. Give the children computer access for they need it for homework, some guidelines on what they are NOT to access--and the key logger keeps them honest and either allays a parents fears -- or gives them opportunity to nip dangerous situations in the bud.